r e l i a n c e | d a m a g e s: on the train Archives

February 05, 2005

that was really, really fucked up

sometimes god likes to tap you on the shoulder and say "hey you little whiny fucker, you think that's bad? Oh ho ho, do I got something for you!"

god, in its infinite wisdom, decided to answer my post from last night about commuting annoyances with the most CRAZY FUCKING HOMELESS PERSON EVER TO RIDE A TRAIN.

9am, F train to Manhattan. I get a seat. At Jay St. some guy with a trash bag full of cans gets on. Not that unusual. He smells like 3 year-old kentucky fried chick. Even less unusual. He proceeds to stand in the middle of the car and place 3 empty, uncapped bottles of Snapple on the floor. Ok, a little weird. He pulls out a two liter of Pepsi. Strange, sure. He opens it and proceeds to attempt (theoretically; god knows what he was really trying to do. Besides piss me off.) to pour 2 liters of Pepsi into 3 Snapple bottles. He succeeds in emptying two liters of Pepsi onto the floor of the train and does not get a single drop in any of the Snapple bottles. He then starts jumping up and down and moving his feet around, as if he is trying to hide a bit of garbage under the seat. Pepsi is now covering the floor in half the car. People have pulled their bags on their laps. We all have our feet pulled up, dangling inches above the floor, stomach muscles aching until our stop as we practice an unexpected set of commuting calisthenics.

thanks, god. that was really, really fucked up.

if that happened in gta: san andreas, i totally would have capped his ass. then i would have gone to Cluckin' Bell and had some chicken.

Posted by me at 12:39 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 03, 2005

five commuting-related reasons why i hate people

1. they do not walk on the right hand side of the sidewalk

2. they take up two seats on the train because their balls are just so big they can't keep their legs together

3. they smell like liquor at 7:30pm but still make the pretense of being sober and reading the wall street journal, a broad sheet so broad it too takes up two seats on the train just like their drunken balls

4. batteriesbatteriesbatteriesbatteriesonedollaronedollaronedollar and i. am. homeless. i. have. been. trying. to. find. work. but. as. you. all. know. it. is. difficult. in. these. e. con. o. my.

5. the morning make out sessions: "ohmygod i won't see you until 5:30 when we both get off our temp jobs and go to our improv brooklyn comedy rehearsal, let's suck face for the next half an hour on our way to work!" slurp.

Posted by me at 10:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 21, 2004

ohhhhhhhhhhhh

yesterday i got called into work for no apparent reason. for those of you who don't live in nyc, the MTA fucks with the subway every weekend. this weekend, my normal train was being hoyted (hoyt, v. hoyted, hoyting, hoytes: the process by which one's train from brooklyn to manhattan is mysteriously rerouted to the hoyt-schemerhorn stop, a stop your train never makes on its regular route and schedule.) which involves me going to my normal subway stop, going one stop to hoyt-schermerhorn, getting off the train, waiting in a line of 8 billion people (half of whom have no idea what the fuck is going on and are very concerned, disoriented, and in my goddamn way) to walk up the stairs, cross over to the other side, and wait in line to walk back down the stairs to the opposite platform to then got on a train to manhattan.

so once i'm finally on the train to the borough that never sleeps (it's not the whole city, it's just the coked-up morons in manhattan who don't sleep.) i of course end up sitting next to the 3 most giggly park slope girls ever born. girls = my age; park slope = a nice part of brooklyn full of yuppies and lesbians; giggly = annoying. one of them is talking about how she is picking out her wedding dress. the other two, who are sitting on either side of her, periodically let out little yips of glee: "yeahhhhhhh!" and "yee!"

i am not happy, of course, because 1) it's saturday and i'm going to work; 2) i am going to work for no motherfucking reason; 3) i've been hoyted; 4) it's raining; 5) i missed going to the gym and i NEED TO GO TO THE GYM I LIKE THE GYM and 6) what the fuck is sitting next to me?

but wait, what's this? a pause in the giggling and exclamations of glee and something that i can only describe as cooing. unfortunately, they're not done, this is merely a pregnant pause.

i'm getting married yay!: "guys?"

groupies: "yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh?!?!"

i'm getting married yay!: "guys...i have something important to ask you both."

groupies: "yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss!?!?!?"

i'm getting married yay!: "guys, will you be my bridesma--"

groupies: "YAAAAAAAY! OHHHHHH! EEEEEEE! YEEEEEEEEE! OOOOOOOOOOH!"

at this point i let out an audible groan. i didn't mean to, it just came out. i meant to keep my pain to myself.

all three stopped and looked at me. i doubled at the waist a little and rubbed my stomach, as if in pain (which, by this time i was).

we continued on in blissful silence, riding in the belly of the beast up sixth avenue to their date with wedding dress fittings and my appointment with the hell that is my job.

and you know what? i have to say i'd rather be at work than picking out wedding dresses.*

and no, i don't like anyone. not even you.

* note: for the sake of completeness, i'd rather be smoking a bowl on the futon watching Discovery Channel in HD than at work. i just want it to be perfectly clear to you that i have my priorities straight.

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