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February 28, 2004
"Clean!"
My girlfriend is a Dustbuster Nazi.
Posted by me at 05:27 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 27, 2004
I should just start a subway blog
So I admit to pretty much being obsessed with the subway. They don't have this thing called "public transportation" where I'm from (uh, yeah, seriously.), much less the sort of public transportation that runs in elaborate tunnels underground. I like trains. I like tunnels. I like people watching. The subway was made for me. I also don't like fucking around with fuckwad annoying fucking full of themselves "I'm doing you a FAVOR by driving you somewhere" fucking cabdrivers, and thus I prefer to take the subway even at 3am when I'm drunk.
Of course, as we all know I also hate the general public. I like to WATCH them, but I don't like to be among them, and I don't like them invading my personal space. So, being the idiot that I am, I moved to New York City, where it is near impossible to avoid mingling with people who make it their goal in life to invade your personal space (or at least to make more personal space of their own by throwing an elbow into your ribs or, in my case, into the side of my skull, since I'm so short most people's elbows are about head level. ahhahahaha.)
The first time I took my mother on the subway she pointed out that everyone was reading, andwasn'tthatgreat! (note: my mother teaches elementary school). I pointed out that while, yes, it's great that everyone is reading, the vast majority of them are reading not for reading's sake, but reading to avoid making eye contact with the 200 other human beings on the train, and thus instigating or encouraging some continued communication--the person you make eye contact with might ask you to buy double A batteries, and that would be the worse thing that could possibly EVER HAPPEN to you--or at least I think that's what we're all worried about.
Anyway, I was wrong, or things have changed in the last few months, or something. Because everyone is still reading, but they're reading not to avoid making eye contact with strangers, but reading for reading's sake! They love reading SO MUCH that they not only read while sitting or standing in the train, but even while walking on the platform or up/down the stairs! they love reading so much that they don't stop while walking up the stairs at 1/4 mile per hour pace during rush hour as thousands of people are caught behind them, grumbling about the fucking moron who is reading "the corrections" and colliding with people while walking up the stairs!
wow. literacy is great.
or perhaps they've just extended the "no eye contact allowed" zone to include not just the train car itself, but the platform and the stairs as well.
when I was in 6th grade, we mercilessly mocked this girl who read while walking. sure, she was also a hippy and a vegetarian and never brushed her hair and this was in 1989, when that sort of thing just wasn't cool, but mainly it was the bizarre reading behavior. I think we need to start that up again--if I fucking catch you reading while walking in the station, and especially on the stairs, I'm going to beat the crap out of you and lock you in a locker for a couple days.
and then i'll let you out and make eye contact with you.
Posted by me at 03:19 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
February 24, 2004
those sure are sexy shorts
If you have access to the iTunes music store, I strongly suggest that you do the following IMMEDIATELY:
1. Go to the iTunes music store (link on the left in the iTunes program).
2. Search for "Schwarzenegger"
3. Doubleclick on any song (I suggest "It's Raining Men")
4. Enjoy listening to Ahnold count reps over whatever song you've selected.
Fascinating. Why the hell would iTunes ever have purchased the rights to this? They must have bought Columbia's whole catalogue, including the good, the bad, and the very, very bad.
By the way, I was not searching for Schwarzenegger on iTunes--C made me search for "men at work." C does not have an ipod, but is obsessed with the iTunes music store and makes me burn cds for her (think "oops, I did it again!" and "crazy in love"). there goes her indie cred.
Posted by me at 10:03 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
February 17, 2004
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy crap does Mel Gibson ever need some lithium
Anyone else see this interview with Mel Gibson?
Is it just me, or does Mel suffer from a classic case of bipolar disorder--emphasis on the manic? Let's see: can't sit still, frantic speech, delusions of grandeur, paranoia, spending large sums of money at the drop of a hat, quick to get angry, feels like he's on a mission from god, stays up all night working and doesn't need sleep, etc.
Who has a copy of the DSM-IV to look this up?
And I'm only sort of joking. In my unprofessional opinion, he seemed like a manic depressive desparately in need of some hospitalization and medication.
Posted by me at 11:15 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
February 13, 2004
I'm hungover. What's your excuse?
That title up there? Yeah. Doesn't mean anything.
I am a little hungover, though. But guess what? I'm going to go drink some more to feel better!
Today has been an absolutely stellar week at work. Yes, STELLAR .
No work got done. Well, some did, but none of it was meaningful, and none of it created bowel-wrenching stress, which is how I've come to classify actual "work" on this slave ship.
I sent out documents to people and signed cover letters like mad this week. FedEx and the bike messenger union of NYC (come on, you know there must be one. There's a fucking actors union, for christ's sake) should pay me a commission. It's still unclear to me whether I'm actually allowed to sign letters, since I haven't been admitted to the bar. In the firm handbook it says I can't, but partner after partner and associate after associate looks at me funny when I bring that up and says, basically, "just write a letter and sign it. and no, I don't want to see a draft of your two sentence cover letter, you moron." So, I think I'm totally like breaking the law and firm policy and ethical codes etc. So, shhh, don't tell anyone they let me sign my own letters on firm letterhead. I know some day this is going to bite me in the ass. I'll be in my senate approval hearings after being nominated to the supreme court and Senator X will stand up and ask "Excuse me, your honor, but isn't it true that you signed your own letters before you were admitted to the bar?!" Everyone in the room will gasp and fall silent. You could hear a pin drop. I will turn white (yes, whiter than I already am. Ha ha ha, you're so funny.) and my eyes will glaze over for an instant, but then I'll recover. "But they told me to! I had no choice! They told me they didn't want to sign letters, I had to sign them myself!" It will be to no avail. My nomination will be stomped. I'll wallow for the rest of my life in some appellate court in the Bronx, cursing the day(s) I signed all those letters "Best regards, [me]".
Posted by me at 06:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 09, 2004
In God We Tru$t
I PRAY FOR THE END OF THE NATIONAL PRAYER BREAKFAST
Amen.
Posted by me at 09:12 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 04, 2004
Party of 20
You can pretty much remove "geek" here, except for perhaps from GSF1--the "I was ostracized as a geeky child!" explanation for GSF1 does make a lot of sense.
To all my GSF1, 4 and 5 (and any combination thereof) friends: You know who you are. Especially with GSF5. Knock that shit off--I'm tired of going to restaurants with 20 people without reservations.
[Note: this is all meant in good fun. I don't hate you, friend who has GSF4 and 5. You have a problem and need to work on it, yes, but I don't hate you.]
Posted by me at 04:59 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
I've never been on the Crosstown Bus
This is hilarious. Or not this entry so much, but the link in the entry is.
Metropolitan Diary is this column in the NYT which, at least the last time I read it (although according to Gawker it's changed), has all these annoying Readers Digest-esque anecdotes about life in NYC that always seem to really be about life in Maybury or Pleasantville or some other tiny, friendly, annoying town that is the categorical opposite of NYC. Anyway, click the link in the Gawker article to read a fake Metropolitan Diary column. Even if you have no idea what Metropolitan Diary is and have never been to New York, it's pretty damn funny.
And, yes, it's true: just like all secretary's really are from Staten Island, apparently all cute stories about charmingly warm-n-fuzzy life in New York City happen on the Crosstown Bus...
Posted by me at 04:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 02, 2004
I've been to South Carolina Only Because I Misjudged How Far South I Had to Drive to Get to North Carolina
States I've visited:
create your own visited states map
I see a definite pattern here--I must be repelled by some force west of the Mississippi--perhaps it's named RRC?
And the heading of this entry? Not a joke.
Posted by me at 04:33 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
February 01, 2004
El Tren de Pain
In a further feeble attempt to prevent being fired because of my blog (oh please, what am I talking about? Deep down I really wish they'd fire me), I'll stop talking about work and the deeply sadistic morons I work with, and post about something else I really, really, REALLY fucking hate: the L train.
The Post has a "report" (report is in quotes because it's hard to to justify calling what the Post does reporting...) about the L train today that's dead on: Williamsburg has no services and few normal stores, so you have to go into Manhattan to do what you would normally do in your neighborhood: go to the movies, eat non-Asian fusion cuisine, bank, etc. So when the L train is shutdown over the weekend with less than 24 hours noticce (as the MTA is wont to do to us several times a month) everyone is fucked. This is a place where no cabs drive around, so you have to call a car, and the car services (while normally quite good--no complaint there) get overloaded and backed up. The Williamsburg Bridge, in turn, is backed up with cars. And then there's our alternative MTA options: the JMZ (even Jesus couldn't find anything redeemable about what I prefer to refer to as the "DMZ") and the G (which never, ever, ever runs, and when it does run, doesn't run to anywhere anyone would ever want to go.)
According to the article, they not only plan to shut down the L during the weekends, but EVERY NIGHT AFTER 11 PM IN FEBRUARY. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. And I get this notice from THE POST?? No signs, no nothing, from the MTA, and it's Feb 1st.
I now may hate the MTA more than I hate Williamsburg, since the MTA has decided to take it upon themselves to make sure I can't leave Williamsburg for the entire month of Febuary. At least Febuary is a short month.
Posted by me at 03:18 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack