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August 11, 2004

timing

I spend far too much time on the internet. Time I could be spending reading, or writing, or doing work. I spend far too much time on the internet because I spend far too much time sitting at work without any work to do. I can't very well pick up a novel during the middle of the work day. I don't spend as much time on the internet at home, because I have tv, and the gym, and books, and C., who, as I may previously have mentioned, is obsessed with yahoo! games euchre. Totally addicted. I never see her anymore, she lies about her habit, and the claims it's not a problem. She also gets the shakes when she can't play, and turns a little yellow.

First step in fixing the problem is admitting you have one, C. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and change things like playing euchre 6 hours a day with grandmothers from Akron who talk about sex." You can do it. I'll support you.

I also spend way too much time biting my fingers, worrying, and drinking coffee. I spend too much time thinking about how I really need to get my eyebrows waxed, instead of going out and doing it. I spend too much time staring off into space because I'm tired. I do not spend enough time sleeping. I spend too much time looking for seats on the subway. I spend too much time talking with coworkers. I spend too much time not returning clients' phone calls.

I spend time like water. Like it grows on trees. Like it's going out of style.

I spend too much time thinking about time. And, really, this is probably the biggest and most unhealthy (and unhealthful!) way I waste time. I spend a lot of time thinking about how quickly time pass. I think about how yesterday I was 17 and dating ugly girls with questionable aspirations (and IQs), and the day before yesterday I was 11 and wanted to join the army because the obstacle course at boot camp looked like a lot of fun. I think about how just an hour ago I started law school, and about 45 minutes after that I met C. By this calculus C. and I have been dating for about 15 minutes. God knows it's been the best 15 minutes of my life, but it's so weird that I had a life (a long life. 24 years of life!) that didn't involve her. And with comments like that, maybe I'm not so far away from that 17 year old me. "Like, oh my god, I feel like I've known you forever!" And that silly 17 year old is still around I guess, but the part of her that thinks she'll live forever (or at least it will take a really long time to get old) isn't. Today is gone in an instant. Ten years from now is a lot closer than you think. I know it's a lot closer than I thought--in an instant, I'm almost 10 years removed from 17 year old me.

And, in an instant, time can stop. There's the proverbial bus to get hit by. There's cancer, freak blood clots, AIDs. There's mental illness that can swoop down and stop you short--your body still there, but your mind is lost to time--and anything else, for that matter. Or you could just turn off. Disappear. Time for you would go on, but for others you would freeze at the instant you left, immortal in memory, at least until the people who remember you are gone or have forgotten.

This is going nowhere, isn't it?

Posted by me at August 11, 2004 02:03 PM

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